Notes on Masturbation, Heartbeat, Midlife Crisis

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xah's log, stardate 20110303. Spend 4 hours masturbating yesterday. From about 8am to 12:30 pm. Watched some 30 vid clips on redtube.

Usually, when i masturbate, i hold it from cuming. So, ejaculation happens only after few hours. After initial ejaculation, sometimes i wait for 10 min and ejaculate again. (i think the record might be 4 ejacs in a masturbation session) Been like that for most past 20 years. Not sure why i developed it. I think its from a mentality of wanting to be good in bed, in the same way a young man want to have muscles or wants to be a kungfu master.

coupled with my ascetic and calculating propensity, so the holding became somewhat like a practice of meditation, as the way monks go about doing things.

just to be complete or for the record… i first masturbated when i was i think 11 or 12. I was in bed, sleeping. Ι don't remember the details, but took a plastic bag and ejaculated into it (so i don't wet the bed). It's the first real masturbation. I was excited, agitated, nervous, and also somewhat fear of being caught. It was also much wonder — I did not know what is going on. Ι guess most kids of that age felt the same.

Around age 13 or so, i remember i read that heart beat can reach 200 while in orgasm (for young person). For most of my teens to early 20s, i recall that i constantly measured this. Yes, my heart beat has reached 200. I don't remember for sure, but i think 210 is not unusual.

From about 16 to at least 30, i have a watch that measures heart beat. Because of my logic and science propensity, i'm fascinated by the ability to always know my heartbeat. I remember i bought the watch in Montreal Canada, for about $170 at the time (this is about 1984). The watch is made by Casio. It is a big square, bulky, and comes with a chest belt. The watch is quite nice and well made. For onlookers, they usually think it's a fashion watch (as in some weird-looking ones made by Swatch) The belt has 2 electrodes. You wear the belt on your chest, and it sends signals to your watch. So you can read out your heartbeat. It's one of the early gadget for cardiovascular exercise. I loved the watch, and used it for at least 10 years.

(Remember, this is 1980s, before most consumer have heard of watches that measure heartbeat. I often get the comment on that being a nice watch. When i explained that it measures heart beat, with a belt on my chest, i later learned that some probably wondered if i have some medical problems, but usually didn't ask. (because one day, in ≈1991, my boss asked me that) I wear the watch with the chest belt almost all the time, even though the chest belt is not exactly comfortable (i guess it's like how women would felt about bra). The way i wear this all the time is kinda sci-fi fantasy, where parts of your body is synthesized with electronics. I was into enhanced body parts. (in the same way, i treat contact lenses the same, and almost NEVER took them out, even when sleeping. (which, is rather detrimental to your eyes. Contact lens, doesn't matter which kind, even today, haven't advanced to the degree that it becomes part of your eye. You should take them out every night when sleeping.)) Today there are lots of heart rate monitor watches, under $50. e.g. “Omron HR 100C Heart Rate Monitor” amazon.)

One of the measure about your cardiovascular health is to measure your heartbeat rate during sleep. The lower, the better. I remember mine is usually 60. The lowest i've reach is 50. (for most of my adult life to about 36, my body condition is athletic in some competitive level. And i have a unhealthy level of obsession towards health food and all ways to increase physical or mental performance. I wanted to be super-man. See: Diet of Xah Lee.)

I haven't measured my heartbeat since about age 36 (2004). I had midlife crises at about 36. This is when, you realized that your body is manifestly going downhill. You are no longer pretty. You are no longer the hot guy. Your hair starts to fall out. You are no longer in the eyes of young girls as potential mate.

I'm now 42. The midlife crises went away at about age 39. This is when you are settled on the concept of being older, and thoughts, perceptions, altitudes change accordingly. Of course, at this age, you are also much wiser. For the great many question, doubts, uncertainties, insecurities about life, friendship, social relations, i now know how to deal with and am confident about. Many of these plague my younger life almost debilitatingly (which is the primary cause of suicide among young). It can be said now, that i know who i am, what i want, and i'm comfortable being myself (this i think is the most important). (and for those of you who have good family, loving parents, you should feel lucky, because you probably don't know what i'm talking about, and can never know.)

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